My Murtaugh List

"Life is a dinner and old-age is the dessert." (Ted, How I Met Your Mother)

"I'm too old for this shit!" (Roger Murtaugh, Lethal Weapon -->)   

I am an old man before my time.  I would live happiest in a world of early-bird dinner specials and daily trips to the grocery store that only procure a single item.  In honor of my loving embrace of old-age, I bring you my Murtaugh List.  These are the things I'm too old to do and quite frankly, don't want to do anymore. 

Drinking to the point of throwing up - I might never have been young enough to do this.  Then again, I don't think it's youth that one requires, it's stupidity.  Still, I've spoken to Ralph on the porcelain phone more than once.  I've got to tell ya, I've never had a night that was good enough to merit dry heaving the next morning until you can see the angels.

Staying up past 11pm - I'll do it, I will.  I just won't enjoy it.  My days are busy.  Hell, my life is busy.  I like it that way.  Sleep is probably my favorite thing.  I won't rob myself of the things I love.

Thinking that it's cool to be "that guy" - I tried a little in high school, never tried in college and embraced my inner geek in dental school (not a big reach).  "Those guys" and "those girls" from high school keep showing up on my Facebook telling me how awesome they are, what cool nights they have planned ("Cocktails with my bestest girlies!") and what great accomplishments they've made in life ("That guy" is "so bummed because I got called in to work.  I hate you Gap, Inc.!").  I'm too old to be that guy.  I really am awesome, I really do have cool plans and I actually have accomplished a whole lot.

Facebook/iChat - I think I'm too old for these things, but I refuse to give them up.  When the time comes to give them up, will it be obvious to me?  All signs point to no, as I've recently begun seeing parents of friends arrive on the social networking scene.  God help me if I continue to update my status with things like, "Patients all day then picking up kid #1 from the babysitter while wife takes kid #2 to pediatrician because he/she has an earache.  Uggh!"

So, what's on your list?